Coming to terms with what you deserve.
12:26 PM
When I was a kid my mom would take me shopping for a new wardrobe shortly before the school year began. I looked forward to it every summer. My mom loves to shop, and we would have a lot of fun and usually grab lunch at a restaurant together, too. She worked nights and I didn't see her as often as I would have liked, so spending a whole day together and getting a bunch of new stuff was like Disney World to me.
The summer before eighth grade we had just moved from Florida back to my home state of Massachusetts. Things were pretty hectic in our new house, and we didn't have a lot of time to get a back to school shopping day sorted, but my mom made it work. We went out to the mall a few towns over to see what we could find. I was really excited to find some cool new stuff. I had lived in the same town until the end of first grade and wanted to make a good impression on the kids that I had been friends with when I was younger.
Nothing fit in the first store. My mom assured me that it was okay. The store was more for children, and I was very tall for my age. This just meant that I got to graduate to the adult stores. I'm not going to lie, I was torn. I didn't know if I should be stoked to be able to dress like a "grown up" or be heartbroken because I wouldn't be able to wear what my new friends would be wearing. I put on a happy face and decided to go with it...until we stood in the GAP dressing room with a pile of clothes on the floor. None of them fit. Not one thing. They carried jeans up to a size 16 and I couldn't get them over my butt. I sat on the bench and cried while my mom tried to console me. We tried every other store in the mall and didn't find one item of clothing that I could wear. She said we would join Weight Watchers when we got home. I could wear what I had for now, and we would go out again when I lost some weight. I was 12 years old.
Why do so many of us feel this way? I think we know it's not a healthy way of thinking, but it's nearly impossible not to do it. We tell our friends that are our size or larger that they look great, and we mean it. Any body is more acceptable than the one you are in. We post body positive graphics on FaceBook and our friends all like them. We tell each other to "treat yo self" and do what makes you happy NOW, not later. but do we do the same for ourselves? We all know the answer.
I'd be lying if I didn't say that I started this journey hoping to get thin. That was 100% my motivation in the beginning. I'd also be lying if I said it doesn't drive me now, at least in part. I'm only one month into this lifestyle change and it's going to take me much longer to change the way I see myself. I'm typing this blog post out on my laptop right now while I sit on the couch in a tank top and boxers. I spent half an hour this morning pinning beautiful yoga clothes and dreaming about one day being able to own them. One day. Not today. I'd look ridiculous in them now. Anyone else with my exact body, though? I'd tell them to whip out their debit card and go to town. Why do we do this to ourselves?
Your body is your best friend. You were born with it, you live with it, and you will die with it. Would you speak to your best friend the way that you speak to yourself? Does your best friend deserve to feel her best, or should she wait until she fits into her preconceived idea of "acceptable"? When your best friend is having a bad day and feels horrible about herself, what do you say to her? You're beautiful. You're incredible. You're strong. You are enough. You should feel good about yourself. You deserve to feel these things, because they are true.
YOU deserve to feel these things, because they are true.
2 comments
This is absolutely true. I do the same thing when looking at clothes. I only buy clothes now when I absolutely have to.
ReplyDeleteI haven't bought new clothes in AGES, except for ordering the event shirts for virtual runs that I register for. I feel gross and frumpy because all I wear is jeans and plain, old t-shirts, and I rotate the same 7-10 t-shirts because that's all that really kind of fit right now.
ReplyDeleteAll I want is to buy a nice, new, adult wardrobe, but I keep telling myself "wait until you're smaller so you won't have to buy a new wardrobe again later."
This post was really good to read.